UtterChaos has signed in
by SuckerfortheMauraders
Summary: Seven years after leaving Hogwarts, Hermione and Ginny end up working at the pathetic Hawt Celebz Weekly. Hermione thinks life can't get any worse until she comes across oh-so-missed-yet-oh-so-sexy Draco Malfoy. Conversation-style; HG/DM


_Ring._

_Ring._

_Ring._

_Ring._

_**Yo yo yo, this is Moine's numbahhh. You reached her celllllll. So leave a messageeeee. After. The beep-arooni-rooni. BEEEEEEEEEEEEE—Ginny, what are you…Ginny? GINNY! PUT YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM THAT POOR GUY'S—.**_

_Beep._

MOINE, WHY THE BLOODY HELL IS THAT VOICE MAIL THINGYMABOB. THING. STILL DOING THERE? MY MOM STILL HAS YOUR NUMBER. You're a disgrace. Oh shit. Tyson's giving me the black glare. Just call back or something because he's going crazy over here. Can you believe this is your tenth time being late in a row? Mary says hi. And so does Onch. And Jess. And, oh dear Tyson's yelling. I'm sure you can hear from the phone IN YOUR ROOM SINCE YOU ARE STILL NOT AT WORK AT THIS MOMENT. Just get your toosh in the car. You do know two more and you're a goner? AKA suspension. Gotta go, HURRY YOUR ASS UP. Oh, by the way this is Ginny.

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Dear Miss Hermione J. Granger,

It is unfortunate to inform you, Hermione J. Granger, that you are extremely close to being suspended from Hawt Celebz Weekly due to your poor attendance. This is a warning, Hermione J. Granger. You have two tardies left before we must suspend you for two weeks at Hawt Celebz Weekly. Please arrive promptly and responsibly, Hermione J. Granger. Hawt Celebz Weekly is counting on you and your colleagues to diligently work to your fullest. Please put in your best effort, Hermione J. Granger, and bring a better attitude with you on time. Thank you.

Regards,

Tyson Bernard

P.S. I'm watching you and Weasley. I know what you two do instead of working in your cubicles.

P.S.S. You look like shit.

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_Ginny_W has signed in._

_Hermione_G has signed in._

Ginny_W: What the helllllll. You look like shit.

Hermione_G: Oh. Well. Thanks. Apparently you're not the only one that thinks this.

Ginny_W: Well, duh. What happened?

Hermione_G: You mean this morning? Or the letter I have just found at the top of my desk.

Ginny_W: Both. Just start from the beginning, Miss I'm Wearing Mismatching Socks Today

Hermione_G: ……….

Ginny_W: Just letting you know! I guess you didn't notice. Was the sex that good?

Hermione_G: Oh God, Gin. Of course the sex was good. I was pounding on the wall screaming THIS SEX IS SO GOOD I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO REMEMBER TO WEAR MATCHING SOCKS TOMORROW MORNING, OH BABY JESUS.

Ginny_W: Damn, Mione. Are you telling me that you finally like a man your mom has set you up with?

Hermione_G: NO, OF COURSE NOT. HE WAS TERRIBLE. This one had a strange tendency to touch my feet.

Ginny_W: Oh Lord, spare me. So why didn't you get here on time this morning? Tyson made me call you. He thinks I'm the only one that can get you out of bed.

Hermione_G: That and Toblerone bars.

Ginny_W: Disgusting.

Hermione_G: AHEM, so what happened was. Shia LaBeouf was on The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien and so was Phil Jackson soooooooooo I had to stay up til one in the morning until the interviews were done. And my alarm clock wouldn't go off. And so I slept in.

Ginny_W: Mione, that's pathetic.

Hermione_G: I know, but I can't help myself. Besides, we work at Hawt Celebz Weekly for a reason, right?

Ginny_W: Stop it, you're making me consider killing myself again.

_Miss Ginny Weasley and Miss Hermione Granger, please go back to work. Hawt Celebz Weekly instant messaging is for emergency-use only. Sign off immediately. And get your asses back to work. We need that story on Britney in thirty minutes._

Ginny_W: Son of a bitch.

Hermione_G: Tyson, you look like shit.

_Ginny_W has signed off._

_Hermione_G has signed off._

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_Ring._

_Ring._

_Ring._

_Ring._

_**Yo yo yo, this is Moine's numbahhh. You reached her celllllll. So leave a messageeeee. After. The beep-arooni-rooni. BEEEEEEEEEEEEE—Ginny, what are you…Ginny? GINNY! PUT YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM THAT POOR GUY'S—.**_

_Beep._

Hello dearie. What have you and Ginny been up to? After you guys moved to the States, everything has been chaotic with you two. Are you sure about this, hunny? I mean, this career choice. I doubt tabloids is something you want to do later in life. Oh…oh dear. Anyways, I wanted to talk to you about Peter last night. His mother called me to say that you called him a toe-sucking pig. That is terrible, TERRIBLE BEHAVIOR. I am trying _so_ hard for you to get a man and you do this to me?! Hermione, you're already 25. You need a man in your life. And you need him fast. Well, your father's grumbling about a pot pie. I'll call you later, sweetie. And change that voicemail thing, it's extremely inappropriate.

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_Hermione_G has signed in._

_Ginny_W has signed in._

Hermione_G: We are so badass.

Ginny_W: Hell yeah. Tyson can suck it.

Hermione_G: That was unnecessary.

Ginny_W: Well, you know…

Hermione_G: HAPPY THOUGHTS. AKA WHAT WE ARE DOING TONIGHT.

Ginny_W: Har har. Agenda for the night includes! Nothing. I don't know. Should we hit the clubs again?

Hermione_G: I guess.

Ginny_W: No blind date for tonight?

Hermione_G: None. Unless mom springs one at me.

Ginny_W: Blechhhhhhhhh. Tom's getting kind of boring.

Hermione_G: No! Not Tom! But he's so sweet.

Ginny_W: And OCD. Whenever we try to get it on he ends up crawling into the bathroom to wash his hands. I can't smell that bad, can I?

Hermione_G: Of course not! Although. Where did you guys eat?

Ginny_W: Antonio's.

Hermione_G: GIN, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THOSE TACOS.

Ginny_W: I can't help it, damnit, Mione. I know. The beans.

Hermione_G: Oh Lord.

Ginny_W: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Hermione_G: SHUT YOUR FRICKIN' MOUTH, ONCH JUST ABOUT PEED HIS PANTS.

Ginny_W: I think he actually did. Mary gave me the Onch-did-something-nasty sign.

Hermione_G: …. So you got the email I'm presuming.

Ginny_W: How did they grab our Hawt Celebz Weekly email addresses??

Hermione_G: Five bucks on Pansy.

Ginny_W: Five bucks on Ron.

Hermione_G: You would. Can you believe his wedding's in two weeks?

Ginny_W: Can you believe I have to wear that horrid yellow excuse of a dress in two weeks?

Hermione_G: Can you believe I have no date in two weeks?

Ginny_W: Well, you know.

Hermione_G: No, I don't.

Ginny_W: Tom.

Hermione_G: GINNY!!!

Ginny_W: I just don't know what to do! He's been kind of attached. I don't know, dude. He's kind of freaking my freak.

Hermione_G: Maybe you should just break up with him.

Ginny_W: Do you remember what happened last time???

Hermione_G: Vividly. Very vividly.

Ginny_W: Burn on my life.

Hermione_G: But hey, he said he loved you.

Ginny_W: Who cares! I have to break up with him tonight, Mione. And you're going to be there with me.

Hermione_G: Oh. Yeah. Totally. Babe.

* * *

From: Pansy Parkinson

To: (Hogwarts Roster)

Subject: HOGWARTZ CLASS RUNION!

omg HEY guyzz! ok so lyk. im gonna plan a reunion. n lyk. i hope u guyz can come. its gunna b my hous (the addrz is on th buttom) i miss u guyz sooooooooo much n yah. so its lyk gunna b a rly bomb party n i want 2 kno wut u guyz bn doin these past yrs. so rvsp by july 25 n let m kno. the reunion is on aug 1 n starts 7. ok ttyl! luv ya!

xoxo-pansy

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**Onch_Y has sent an IM request.**

Onch_Y: Hey, bitch.

Hermione_G: Awwwwww, hey slut.

Onch_Y: So what are the plans tonight? Mary says she wants to get in a fight at a club.

Hermione_G: Sounds like Ginny grabbed Mary's idea. She's going for the kill. With Tom.

Onch_Y: OHMYGAWD, seriously? I knew he was big.

Hermione_G: You did?

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Hermione_G: Gin, how big is Tom?

Ginny_W: The question is how big isn't he.

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Onch_Y: Uh, yahhhhhh. I'm like a frickin' eagle on stuff like this.

Hermione_G: Apparently not with Tom. Ginny says he's not that big. AND, she's dumping him today.

Onch_Y: What a biatch! I'll take him.

Hermione_G: No, Onch. He's psyche. You don't want to mess with him.

Onch_Y: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh I want my gay boyfriend.

Hermione_G: You will soon, Onch, you will. Let's just go to Horny Harry's tonight?

Onch_Y: I'll always love going to Horny Harry's.

Hermione_G: Alright, spread the news lover boy.

Onch_Y: Kay, bitch.

_Onch_Y has signed off._

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Hermione_G: Gin, that's sad. I thought you had better taste.

Ginny_W: This is why I'm dumping him tonight. Since Onch just screamed Horny Harry's I'm guessing that's where we're going.

Hermione_G: Hells to the yes. Gotta love Horny Harry's. Now that's the place to break up with someone.

Ginny_W: I guess. I'm so scared, Mione. What if he backhands me with that horrid snake ring on his ring finger.

Hermione_G: He won't, Onch'll scare him with his seductive gaze. Trust me, it'll be fine. I know what'll cheer you up.

Ginny_W: Food.

Hermione_G: MEN, 50 Hottest Bachelors issue is up next tomorrow. You know who picks all of them and does the photoshoots?

Ginny_W: Holy hell. You're right. The time has come. We need to celebrate this damn baby.

Hermione_G: You bet your tiny ass.

_Miss Ginny Weasley and Miss Hermione Granger, please go back to work. Hawt Celebz Weekly instant messaging is for emergency-use only. Sign off immediately._

Ginny_W: BURN IN HELL, TYSON.

Hermione_G: I second this notion.

_Ginny_W has signed off._

_Hermione_G has signed off._

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Hermione_G has signed in.

**Hermione_G has sent an IM request.**

Jessica_M: Aloha, darling.

Hermione_G: Hey hey. I have to talk to you about Gin.

Jessica_M: Oh no. Did she eat at Antonio's?

Hermione_G: Haha no, but that too. She's thinking about breaking up with Tom tonight.

Jessica_M: THAT CRAZY PSYCHO? Praise the Lord.

Hermione_G: I know, right? You know, I probably shouldn't even be telling you this.

Jessica_M: Yeah, but you are anyway.

Hermione_G: I can't help myself. I'm too worried about her. Do you think she'll be okay? That fiasco with Tom in the last break up was hella scary.

Jessica_M: Tell me about it. Well we'll be there tonight with her.

Hermione_G: I guess so.

Jessica_M: Oh, stop stressin'! She'll be FINE. Are you ready to get that list for 50 Hottest tomorrow?

Hermione_G: Must you even ask, Jess?

Jessica_M: Just asking! We both need men in our lives. Maybe we can hook up with one of them during photoshoots.

Hermione_G: They're all MOVIE STARS. This is going to be impossible.

Jessica_M: Eh, you never know. Mione, you still lookin' sexy as hell.

Hermione_G: Uh. No.

Jessica_M: Uh, yeah. Fifty bucks you'll get a man to fall for you.

Hermione_G: That's redonkulous! You just lost fifty bucks.

Jessica_M: Pffffffffft, we'll see about that.

Hermione_G: I actually have to start planning that spread. I'll talk to you later, my lover.

Jessica_M: Tata!

_Hermione_G has signed off._

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_Ring._

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_Ring._

_Ring._

_**Is this working? No, I said is this working. Hello? Hello? Hello? Mary, you told me that the little recorder woman tells you if it's recording or not. That it responds. Can you please stop laughing and eating my taquitos? This is ridiculous. Bloody United States. I SAID STOP EATI--**_

_Beep._

Bloody hell Gin, glad to know that you've been doing great over in the Americas. I hope you can recognize my voice. Well, just in case you can't it's your good ol' handsome intelligent talented oh-so-sexy brother Ronald. People call me Ron for short in case you forgot. Just filling you in. So we've all been talking over here and we're planning on visiting you and Mione. And, okay, we kind of want a vacation too. I know you've banned us from coming but we're curious and it's been about. Well, five years, might I say? We all miss you two dearly and we'll bring your favorite pie, don't worry. Mum's goin' crazy over here. Also. What Harry? What do you want? Cheese and crackers. Harry wants to know how you've been. What a pathetic bloke. Call me back, anyways! Miss you lots.

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_Ring._

_Ring._

_Ring._

_Ring._

_**Yo yo yo, this is Moine's numbahhh. You reached her celllllll. So leave a messageeeee. After. The beep-arooni-rooni. BEEEEEEEEEEEEE—Ginny, what are you…Ginny? GINNY! PUT YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM THAT POOR GUY'S—.**_

_Beep._

Oh. So my only sister's been touching poor guys' insert body part here. Thanks Mione. Hey you! It's Ron. I've been trying to email you but I guess Hawt Celebz Weekly doesn't accept British emails or something like that. I just left Gin a message. I thought I could trust you in teaching her the American ways. I guess that was a hopeless thought. Just wanted to let you know, we all might be coming soon to visit you guys! Maybe in a few days, we all miss you guys so much. Also, I need to talk to you about Harry. And. Ginny. It's important. Harry broke up with Colin so, you know. Is Ginny still dating Tom? Harry wants to know. Anyways, contact me somehow. Mum wants to know if you've got a fiancé yet. Women.

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_Hermione_G has signed in._

_Ginny_W has signed in._

Hermione_G: Stop throwing tic tacs at me.

Ginny_W: I am SO SORRY, was that me?

Hermione_G: I hate you. We are leaving this hell hole in twenty minutes flat.

Ginny_W: Partay! So about that email we both got….

Hermione_G: Yeah. Hogwarts reunion? Gag me with a spoon.

Ginny_W: Damn, Mione. You're so different! Feisty.

Hermione_G: I know, but I really don't want to see all of those bloody pricks. If I see filthy Malfoy one more time, I'm stabbing him in between the eyes with a stainless silver fork before he has the chance to even breathe "Wow, you got sexy over the years." like I know he will. Plus, America screwed me over.

Ginny_W: Amen. Speaking of nicer things, 50 Hottest Bachelors tomorrow. Thanks so much for reminding me, this is going to make the break up so much easier.

Hermione_G: Amen to THAT. This is the only reason I have this job.

Ginny_W: Ditto. Looks like Mary, Onch, and Jess are ready to leave.

Hermione_G: Obviously. Since Jess has already left.

Ginny_W: I say we all one day pull a prank on Tyson and blame it on himself.

Hermione_G: Now that would be ingenious. You know what. I can't stand this. Let's bounce.

Ginny_W: Say it, sister. Let's hope we don't get killed tonight.

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**Thanks to all of you who reviewed! This is my first time actually putting a Harry Potter fanfic (or any fanfic, actually) online. I'm glad you guys like it so far! Next chapter will include Draco, so don't worry about him. (: One of my friends is helping me out since he knows how guys talk better than I do (which is kind of embarassing), so hopefully we'll get it out soon! Again, thanks for your comments. Keep them coming! -SuckerfortheMauraders**


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